• Home
  • Individual Counseling
    • Anxiety Therapy NYC
    • Depression Treatment NYC
    • Job and Career Support in NYC
    • Substance Use Disorder Counseling NYC
  • Couples & Parents
    • Marriage Counseling and Couples Counseling NYC
    • Parenting Counseling NYC
  • Blog
  • TESTIMONIALS
  • FAQs
  • About
    • Meet Diane Spear
    • Manhattan, NYC Office Location
  • Contact

Diane Spear

licensed clinical social worker. Union Square & Greenwich Village, NYC therapist. 212.353.0296

Normal or Enough is Enough? Assessing & Addressing Sibling Fights

You may not be ready for the answer, but let’s begin with a question: what is the most common form of family violence?

Answer: sibling fights. On average, siblings fight around eight times per hour. Far too often, these interactions are dismissed as “normal” without really getting to the heart of them. 

Sure, some conflict and rivalry are inevitable. But how do you know when they cross the line?

Based on the statistics cited above, yes, sibling fights are technically “normal.” So, where do parents need to focus?  The idea is to refrain from normalizing abusive, extreme, or bullying behaviors. In other words, think carefully about what actions you would never tolerate in another setting and nip them early on at home.

Signs of a Sibling Rivalry and/or Sibling Conflict

In the absence of violence, sibling rivalry may manifest in mutual frustration and a willingness to rat each other out to the parents. In more severe cases, one or more children may regress to baby-like behaviors. This is a subconscious attempt to garner attention from the parents and includes:

  • Baby talk
  • Thumb-sucking
  • Wetting the bed

It should be obvious that none of the above should be ignored. However, there is a huge difference between your child tattling on a sibling and one of them bed-wetting past a certain age. The tattling is annoying but normal.

What should not be viewed as normal? Escalating aggression. For starters, this may mean temper tantrums and/or acting out against people or objects. From there, fights might involve troubling components like verbal abuse and/or physical attacks (no matter how “minor”). This is where and when the parents must decide that enough is enough.

How to Address Sibling Fights

The first step for a parent is to stay calm. Do not allow yourself to match your children’s emotional outbursts or intensity. Approach the situation as neutrally as you can. Model what healthy conflict resolution looks like for your children. (This also goes for those times when your children witness you engaged in a disagreement.) Other suggestions include:

Mediate But Don’t Over Do It

Your children need help but they don’t need you to do all the work. Teach them how to calmly explain their perspective. Encourage them to embrace problem-solving skills over aggression. Yes, you often will have to intervene. However, consider it a teaching moment, using intervention intentionally.

Look For More Teaching Moments

If your child’s emotions regularly reach the boiling point, they may struggle with emotional regulation. Work with them positively.  Take time to help them notice and name what they are feeling. Also, teach them self-soothing skills like deep breathing or taking a time-out.

Teaching moments also exist in a pre-emptive state. Take the time to discuss social skills with your kids. This may include:

  • Learning how to say no in a healthy way
  • Determining how to ask for help
  • Seeing the situation through a sibling’s eyes

Take Notice of and Praise Good Behavior

When your kids are getting along and playing well together, point it out. Praise them. Show them that you can do more than yell and punish. Research shows that such praise can go a long way in reducing sibling rivalries.

Get Help For Yourself

Of course, children that can’t seem to stop fighting may benefit from counseling. But what about you? You need guidance and support, too. No one should be expected to have all the answers when it comes to childrearing. It can be a tough and thankless job. All of this can be effectively countered by committing to regular therapy sessions.

Give yourself a regular time and space to air out your concerns, doubts, fears, and hopes. You can help your kids while helping yourself. In fact, that is the ideal balance. I’m here to help. Please consider parent therapy, and reach out for a confidential consultation today.

Share this:

  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Related

February 7, 2022 Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Blog Categories

  • Marriage & Couples Counseling
  • Parenting
  • Anxiety & Trauma
  • Depression
  • Job & Career Support
  • Substance Use Disorder
  • General

Helping People Find the Joy in Everyday Life!

Therapy That Works

"If you’re looking for a therapist to tell you what you WANT to hear, she’s probably not for you. But, if you’re looking for a therapist to tell you what you NEED to hear, then she’s perfect for you." —KH, Phoenix, AZ

Appointment Request Form

*Not for emergencies

    Verification

    verified by Psychology Today

    Location

    Located at the intersection of the Union Square, East Village, West Village, and Greenwich Village neighborhoods in Manhattan. Serving residents of all five boroughs of NYC and the tri-state area, and offering phone and online therapy nationally and internationally.

    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Service
    • Good Faith Estimate

    Contact

    Diane Spear, LCSW-R
    26 W. 9th Street, Suite 9E
    New York, NY 10011
    Phone: 212.353.0296

    Copyright © 2023 · Jane Theme By, Pretty Darn Cute Design

     

    Loading Comments...