licensed clinical social worker. Union Square & Greenwich Village, NYC therapist. 212-353-0295
Winning Is Everything! Or Is it?
Do you argue a lot? Or correct people in conversations?
Do you ever find yourself in a disagreement with your partner or someone else about something completely trivial and you just want to win? It doesn’t even have to be about anything important, and you may even ask yourself, “What the hell am I doing?!” but you’re committed to the fight. You need to win.
Are you a “one-upper”?
When someone tells you about finding a bargain, do you have an urge to mention the great chair you found on the curb? If someone mentions their upcoming weekend getaway, do you talk about your plans for a three-week European vacation? These are ways of trying to one-up another person, in an effort to win.
You may not realize that you’re someone who always has to one-up your conversation partner, until someone kindly—or not so kindly—points it out.
But I’m helping, by showing the error of their ways
I see this a lot in working with couples, whether one interrupts the other to say that the conflict was on Wednesday, not Friday, or they argue about the “right” way to load the dishwasher. Often it’s about an unconscious need to prove their imagined superiority. This is often due to the person’s own perceived deficiency or sense of inferiority.
But remember: in order for you to always win, someone else has to lose, right? How does that feel to your child, partner, friend, or colleague? You may think that you’re doing the other person a favor by letting them know the right thing, the best thing. But as one of my wonderful mentors says, “You can be right, or you can be warm. Which one feels better?”
What is winning?
You may want to prove your superiority by having more square feet, a larger bank account, a C-suite title, the strength to bench press 1.5 times your weight, the ability to run a sub-six minute mile—any of the quantitative measures of “winning.” But will you be 800 square feet happier if you have a 2000 square foot apartment instead of a 1200 square foot one? Or 800 square feet more fun?
If you’re someone who generates good feelings from the outside-in rather than from the inside-out, when your net worth drops, so does your self-worth. What happens if you’re “layered” at your job? Your self-esteem plummets! If you downsize your home or apartment due to changes in your financial situation, are your good feelings are also downsized? If your good feelings are from the inside-out, these external things don’t change how you feel about yourself and your life. It’s just stuff!
The origins of needing to win…
People who get locked into this have a deep insecurity that is rooted in childhood. Perhaps the child and his or her siblings were pitted against each other by the parents. Or maybe they are just trying to stake out their “turf” in the family.
If the children are very close in age, the older one may feel shunted aside when the younger child is born. He or she and may adapt by making everything a contest, including who makes it out the front door first, or grabs the seat closest to mom or dad first, or finishes homework first, or any number of things. As this child gets older, he or she continues this behavior, and has no idea why people don’t come close.
…and how they play out
But this can happen in families with only one child, too, when the child has gotten the idea that he or she must always be the best at whatever he or she attempts. This is played out in a high school Netflix comedy series called “Never Have I Ever.” I recently heard about a parent telling a child that winning second place means that “you’re the best at losing.” What a message to give a child!
In several Olympic competitions in recent years we’ve seen athletes pout when they didn’t win first place. Some have refused medals or accepted them with a negative attitude. They see a silver or bronze medal as an insult, a humiliation, instead of as a significant accomplishment.
This need to win at all costs interferes with friendships, romantic relationships, and workplace dynamics. It turns everyday exchanges into competitive events, which is exhausting and annoying. And it’s certainly not fun!!!
Beyond winning and losing
Looking at this mindset is an important step in making a more satisfying life. If you recognize yourself in this article, that’s great self awareness! Let’s work together to understand your need to win, so you can put that aside and make a life that feels good!
Do you ever find yourself in a disagreement with your partner or someone else about something completely trivial and you just want to win? It doesn’t even have to be about anything important, and you may even ask yourself, “What the hell am I doing?!” but you’re committed to the win, to the fight.
When someone tells you about spotting a celebrity on the street, do you have an urge to tell them about your conversation with a famous person, thereby one-upping them by not just seeing a celebrity, but speaking with the person?
You may not realize that you’re someone who always has to one-up your conversation partner, until someone kindly—or not so kindly—points it out.
I see this a lot in working with couples, but I’ve also seen parents do it with their children, even with their toddlers! Often it’s about an unconscious need to prove their imagined superiority. This is often due to a perceived defect or sense of inferiority. But what do you get out of proving your superiority to your two-year-old child and making them feel bad?
Remember: in order for you to always win, someone else has to lose, right? How does that feel to your child, partner, friend, or colleague? You may think that you’re doing the other person a favor by letting them know the right thing, the best thing. But one of my wonderful mentors always says, “You can be right, or you can be warm. Which one feels better?”
This can also happen on social media. You want to have more likes, more followers. Or you want to prove your superiority by having more square feet, a larger bank account, higher title—any of the quantitative measures of “winning.”
These pursuits are a waste of time, because they are ultimately not satisfying, because they are about trying to feel good from the outside-in, rather than from the inside-out.
If you’re someone whose good feelings are generated from the outside-in, if your net worth drops, so does your self-worth. If you’re “layered” at your job, your self-esteem plummets. If you downsize your home or apartment due to changes in your financial situation, your good feelings are also downsized. If your good feelings are from the inside-out, these external things don’t change how you feel about yourself and your life. It’s just stuff.
People who get locked into this have a deep insecurity that is rooted in childhood. Perhaps the child and his or her siblings were pitted against each other by the parents, or are just trying to stake out their “turf” in the family.
If the children are very close in age, the older one may feel shunted aside when the younger child is born and may become committed to making everything a contest, including who makes it out the front door first, or grabs the seat closest to mom or dad first, or finishes homework first, or any number of things. As this child gets older, he or she continues this behavior, and has no idea why people don’t come close.
But this can happen in families with only one child, too, when the child has gotten the idea that he or she must always be the best at whatever he or she attempts. This is played out in a high school Netflix comedy series called “Never Have I Ever.” I recently heard about a parent telling a child that winning second place means that “you’re the best at losing.” What a message to give a child!
In several Olympic competitions in recent years we’ve seen athletes that didn’t win first place refuse medals or accept them with a negative attitude. They see a silver or bronze medal as an insult, a humiliation, instead of the significant accomplishment that it actually is.
This need to win at all costs has interfered with friendships, romantic relationships, and workplace dynamics. On the world stage, it has gotten countries into wars, caused an attempted insurrection, and contributed to the political divide in this country.
The political and worldwide implications of this are beyond the scope of this blog, but suffice it to say that the need to win at all costs (and setting things up as winning and losing) results in a real dissatisfaction in life. It turns everyday exchanges into competitive events, which is exhausting and annoying.
Looking at this mindset is an important step in making a more satisfying life if you’re one of the many people who learned this way of thinking during childhood. If you recognize yourself in this article, that’s great self awareness. Let’s work together to learn more about it and help you make a life that feels good!
Do you ever find yourself in a disagreement with your partner or someone else about something completely trivial and you just want to win? It doesn’t even have to be about anything important, and you may even ask yourself, “What the hell am I doing?!” but you’re committed to the win, to the fight.
When someone tells you about spotting a celebrity on the street, do you have an urge to tell them about your conversation with a famous person, thereby one-upping them by not just seeing a celebrity, but speaking with the person?
You may not realize that you’re someone who always has to one-up your conversation partner, until someone kindly—or not so kindly—points it out.
I see this a lot in working with couples, but I’ve also seen parents do it with their children, even with their toddlers! Often it’s about an unconscious need to prove their imagined superiority. This is often due to a perceived defect or sense of inferiority. But what do you get out of proving your superiority to your two-year-old child and making them feel bad?
Remember: in order for you to always win, someone else has to lose, right? How does that feel to your child, partner, friend, or colleague? You may think that you’re doing the other person a favor by letting them know the right thing, the best thing. But one of my wonderful mentors always says, “You can be right, or you can be warm. Which one feels better?”
This can also happen on social media. You want to have more likes, more followers. Or you want to prove your superiority by having more square feet, a larger bank account, higher title—any of the quantitative measures of “winning.”
These pursuits are a waste of time, because they are ultimately not satisfying, because they are about trying to feel good from the outside-in, rather than from the inside-out.
If you’re someone whose good feelings are generated from the outside-in, if your net worth drops, so does your self-worth. If you’re “layered” at your job, your self-esteem plummets. If you downsize your home or apartment due to changes in your financial situation, your good feelings are also downsized. If your good feelings are from the inside-out, these external things don’t change how you feel about yourself and your life. It’s just stuff.
People who get locked into this have a deep insecurity that is rooted in childhood. Perhaps the child and his or her siblings were pitted against each other by the parents, or are just trying to stake out their “turf” in the family.
If the children are very close in age, the older one may feel shunted aside when the younger child is born and may become committed to making everything a contest, including who makes it out the front door first, or grabs the seat closest to mom or dad first, or finishes homework first, or any number of things. As this child gets older, he or she continues this behavior, and has no idea why people don’t come close.
But this can happen in families with only one child, too, when the child has gotten the idea that he or she must always be the best at whatever he or she attempts. This is played out in a high school Netflix comedy series called “Never Have I Ever.” I recently heard about a parent telling a child that winning second place means that “you’re the best at losing.” What a message to give a child!
In several Olympic competitions in recent years we’ve seen athletes that didn’t win first place refuse medals or accept them with a negative attitude. They see a silver or bronze medal as an insult, a humiliation, instead of the significant accomplishment that it actually is.
This need to win at all costs has interfered with friendships, romantic relationships, and workplace dynamics. On the world stage, it has gotten countries into wars, caused an attempted insurrection, and contributed to the political divide in this country.
The political and worldwide implications of this are beyond the scope of this blog, but suffice it to say that the need to win at all costs (and setting things up as winning and losing) results in a real dissatisfaction in life. It turns everyday exchanges into competitive events, which is exhausting and annoying.
Looking at this mindset is an important step in making a more satisfying life if you’re one of the many people who learned this way of thinking during childhood. If you recognize yourself in this article, that’s great self awareness. Let’s work together to learn more about it and help you make a life that feels good! Do you ever find yourself in a disagreement with your partner or someone else about something completely trivial and you just want to win? It doesn’t even have to be about anything important, and you may even ask yourself, “What the hell am I doing?!” but you’re committed to the win, to the fight.
When someone tells you about spotting a celebrity on the street, do you have an urge to tell them about your conversation with a famous person, thereby one-upping them by not just seeing a celebrity, but speaking with the person?
You may not realize that you’re someone who always has to one-up your conversation partner, until someone kindly—or not so kindly—points it out.
I see this a lot in working with couples, but I’ve also seen parents do it with their children, even with their toddlers! Often it’s about an unconscious need to prove their imagined superiority. This is often due to a perceived defect or sense of inferiority. But what do you get out of proving your superiority to your two-year-old child and making them feel bad?
Remember: in order for you to always win, someone else has to lose, right? How does that feel to your child, partner, friend, or colleague? You may think that you’re doing the other person a favor by letting them know the right thing, the best thing. But one of my wonderful mentors always says, “You can be right, or you can be warm. Which one feels better?”
This can also happen on social media. You want to have more likes, more followers. Or you want to prove your superiority by having more square feet, a larger bank account, higher title—any of the quantitative measures of “winning.”
These pursuits are a waste of time, because they are ultimately not satisfying, because they are about trying to feel good from the outside-in, rather than from the inside-out.
If you’re someone whose good feelings are generated from the outside-in, if your net worth drops, so does your self-worth. If you’re “layered” at your job, your self-esteem plummets. If you downsize your home or apartment due to changes in your financial situation, your good feelings are also downsized. If your good feelings are from the inside-out, these external things don’t change how you feel about yourself and your life. It’s just stuff.
People who get locked into this have a deep insecurity that is rooted in childhood. Perhaps the child and his or her siblings were pitted against each other by the parents, or are just trying to stake out their “turf” in the family.
If the children are very close in age, the older one may feel shunted aside when the younger child is born and may become committed to making everything a contest, including who makes it out the front door first, or grabs the seat closest to mom or dad first, or finishes homework first, or any number of things. As this child gets older, he or she continues this behavior, and has no idea why people don’t come close.
But this can happen in families with only one child, too, when the child has gotten the idea that he or she must always be the best at whatever he or she attempts. This is played out in a high school Netflix comedy series called “Never Have I Ever.” I recently heard about a parent telling a child that winning second place means that “you’re the best at losing.” What a message to give a child!
In several Olympic competitions in recent years we’ve seen athletes that didn’t win first place refuse medals or accept them with a negative attitude. They see a silver or bronze medal as an insult, a humiliation, instead of the significant accomplishment that it actually is.
This need to win at all costs has interfered with friendships, romantic relationships, and workplace dynamics. On the world stage, it has gotten countries into wars, caused an attempted insurrection, and contributed to the political divide in this country.
The political and worldwide implications of this are beyond the scope of this blog, but suffice it to say that the need to win at all costs (and setting things up as winning and losing) results in a real dissatisfaction in life. It turns everyday exchanges into competitive events, which is exhausting and annoying.
Looking at this mindset is an important step in making a more satisfying life if you’re one of the many people who learned this way of thinking during childhood. If you recognize yourself in this article, that’s great self awareness. Let’s work together to learn more about it and help you make a life that feels good! Do you ever find yourself in a disagreement with your partner or someone else about something completely trivial and you just want to win? It doesn’t even have to be about anything important, and you may even ask yourself, “What the hell am I doing?!” but you’re committed to the win, to the fight.
When someone tells you about spotting a celebrity on the street, do you have an urge to tell them about your conversation with a famous person, thereby one-upping them by not just seeing a celebrity, but speaking with the person?
You may not realize that you’re someone who always has to one-up your conversation partner, until someone kindly—or not so kindly—points it out.
I see this a lot in working with couples, but I’ve also seen parents do it with their children, even with their toddlers! Often it’s about an unconscious need to prove their imagined superiority. This is often due to a perceived defect or sense of inferiority. But what do you get out of proving your superiority to your two-year-old child and making them feel bad?
Remember: in order for you to always win, someone else has to lose, right? How does that feel to your child, partner, friend, or colleague? You may think that you’re doing the other person a favor by letting them know the right thing, the best thing. But one of my wonderful mentors always says, “You can be right, or you can be warm. Which one feels better?”
This can also happen on social media. You want to have more likes, more followers. Or you want to prove your superiority by having more square feet, a larger bank account, higher title—any of the quantitative measures of “winning.”
These pursuits are a waste of time, because they are ultimately not satisfying, because they are about trying to feel good from the outside-in, rather than from the inside-out.
If you’re someone whose good feelings are generated from the outside-in, if your net worth drops, so does your self-worth. If you’re “layered” at your job, your self-esteem plummets. If you downsize your home or apartment due to changes in your financial situation, your good feelings are also downsized. If your good feelings are from the inside-out, these external things don’t change how you feel about yourself and your life. It’s just stuff.
People who get locked into this have a deep insecurity that is rooted in childhood. Perhaps the child and his or her siblings were pitted against each other by the parents, or are just trying to stake out their “turf” in the family.
If the children are very close in age, the older one may feel shunted aside when the younger child is born and may become committed to making everything a contest, including who makes it out the front door first, or grabs the seat closest to mom or dad first, or finishes homework first, or any number of things. As this child gets older, he or she continues this behavior, and has no idea why people don’t come close.
But this can happen in families with only one child, too, when the child has gotten the idea that he or she must always be the best at whatever he or she attempts. This is played out in a high school Netflix comedy series called “Never Have I Ever.” I recently heard about a parent telling a child that winning second place means that “you’re the best at losing.” What a message to give a child!
In several Olympic competitions in recent years we’ve seen athletes that didn’t win first place refuse medals or accept them with a negative attitude. They see a silver or bronze medal as an insult, a humiliation, instead of the significant accomplishment that it actually is.
This need to win at all costs has interfered with friendships, romantic relationships, and workplace dynamics. On the world stage, it has gotten countries into wars, caused an attempted insurrection, and contributed to the political divide in this country.
The political and worldwide implications of this are beyond the scope of this blog, but suffice it to say that the need to win at all costs (and setting things up as winning and losing) results in a real dissatisfaction in life. It turns everyday exchanges into competitive events, which is exhausting and annoying.
Looking at this mindset is an important step in making a more satisfying life if you’re one of the many people who learned this way of thinking during childhood. If you recognize yourself in this article, that’s great self awareness. Let’s work together to learn more about it and help you make a life that feels good!
Do you ever find yourself in a disagreement with your partner or someone else about something completely trivial and you just want to win? It doesn’t even have to be about anything important, and you may even ask yourself, “What the hell am I doing?!” but you’re committed to the fight. You need to win.
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